


Uncertain Futures

by KahlanWinters



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Flashbacks, Personal Growth, Romance, Running Away, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-07 10:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20307994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KahlanWinters/pseuds/KahlanWinters
Summary: Clarke is finishing up her pre-med major and Bellamy is a bartender going to school for history and teaching. When Clarke finds out she's pregnant, she freaks out and runs because she never wanted this. Then, tragedy strikes. Basically just a Bellarke angst story for now.(Rated M mainly due to swear words and sensitive topics. The story is also posted on Fanfiction)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Just a few things before you start the story. First, there is going to be talk about abortion and pro-choice narrative in this story. I know it’s a sensitive topic for some people, so just wanted to warn you. I’m hoping that I don’t get too nasty of comments for being pro-choice…  
Second, it has been ages since I’ve written anything. This was just some random angst that came to mind when I saw a AU Post about Bellarke on tumblr. It’s the only inspiration I’ve had in ages that I figured I’d go with it even if it’s not what I’m used to writing.  
Hope you read and review.

The little pink lines stared back at me. I shouldn’t be surprised- the test that I took this morning gave me the same results, but this was positive number three. Any hope that I was holding onto was dead by now.

I had to face it now, but I had no idea how to do that. There wasn’t a path that wouldn’t suck.

An arm shook me back to the room.

“It’s going to be okay, Clarke.” Raven, my best friend since freshman year of college, tried to comfort me. When I called her crying this morning, she told me that she would come over as soon as she could with new tests. She mentioned that there was no point in freaking out unless I was absolutely sure of the results.

And now we were.

How could she say that when she knew what this meant for me and Bellamy? We argued over the idea of having kids before. I needed to wait until after medical school and after I started my career as a doctor. For Bellamy though, he’s always wanted kids. The only way that we stopped the tension between this argument was reasoning that we weren’t even married. There was plenty of time to figure out everything. Now, that agreement was ruined. 

I shook my head frantically. “It’s not.”

“There are plenty of options here Clarke.” She tried to pull me over to the bed, but I was stuck in place.

“You know Bellamy! How much it would crush him!” The look of pity on her face made everything a thousand times worse. Raven Reyes, as amazing as she is, didn’t feel bad for people often. After everything life had thrown at her, she very much was the kind of person to just help someone to their feet.

She stared at me for a bit before continuing. “I know that, but you need to also think about yourself and what you want. You’ve always said that you didn’t want kids for a long time.”

“And I still don’t.”

“Bellamy would never force you to do something you didn’t want.”

“That just makes it worse!” I cried angrily. “He’s the best person I know. The kindest. Of course, he wouldn’t force me to do something. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt him!”

I needed to stop being angry at her. All she had been was supportive and kind, but my mind wasn’t functioning anymore. I’d gone into panic mode. “How the fuck is this going to work out Raven? Everything is ruined!” I yelled- too wrapped up in my anger to realize that someone walked into my room until they spoke.

“Clarke?” I whipped around to see Bellamy holding a grocery bag. I’d been avoiding him for the past two weeks- ever since I started putting together my symptoms.

I hadn’t realized my period was late until two weeks had passed. Then, I foolishly tried to rationalize it. It’s been extremely stressful at school. I’ve been eating junk the past few months because there’s no time to cook anymore. But then the nausea started and moodiness. I couldn’t deny it after that.

So, for two weeks as I gathered up the courage, I’d been blowing off Bellamy. First, I told him I had a huge test. (Which was technically true, but I ended up failing it because I wasn’t spending my time studying). Then it was because I was trying to apply for summer jobs and needed to concentrate. He left me alone for all that time.

Why did he have to come now?

He put down the bag and started towards me with his arms reached out, but I quickly stepped away. I could see the hurt pass through his face when I pulled away from him. After the two years we’d been dating, I’d never stepped away from him like that.

But how could I let him comfort me now? He’d be devastated if I went through with what I wanted to do.

“Princess, what’s going on? Please talk to me.” I felt tears start to form for the first time this week. I’ve been able to keep it together for two weeks, but the second I had to face him, any resemblance of keeping it together vanished. “Clarke,” He said again, his voice breaking as he stepped forward again.

This time, Raven stepped in front of him to prevent him from coming any further. “Bell, you should go.” She’d disagreed with me about continuing to run away from this but was by my side anyways.

He shook his head fiercely and took another step forward despite Raven. “I’m not leaving until I know what’s wrong.” His words directed towards me and completely ignoring Raven.

“Don’t push this.” Raven warned but it was clear that Bellamy didn’t care to listen to her.

“Clarke, come on, talk to me. Are you hurt? Did something happen? You know whatever it is, you can always talk to me.” There was silence for a few moments but neither Raven nor I could answer him. “Did I do something? If I did, tell me. I’ll fix it.” I let out a half sob and wrapped my arm around my waist before looking away from him. How could he be turning this onto himself like this?

Raven tried to speak but was interrupted by Bellamy quickly. “Goddamn it Clarke, say something. Look at me. Do something! You’re scaring me. “

“Just-” Raven tried to answer but was interrupted again by Bellamy. “Clarke.” Other than the sigh she let out; Raven didn’t answer him again. “Are you breaking up with me?” Despite his words, he didn’t seem angry. “If that’s the case, I’ll accept it. Just tell me you’re okay.” Part of me wanted to lie to him just to get him to go away but I could formulate any words.

What would happen when this mess was over? I couldn’t bear to stay with Bellamy if I kept the thing. Bellamy wouldn’t be able to stay with me if I didn’t. It was a no-win scenario. I let out another sob and this time I couldn’t hold off the rest that followed.

I’m going to lose him no matter what. And here he was, just being understanding and kind like always.

I put a hand over my mouth to try to suppress the sobs but it didn’t do much good. Only a second passed before I felt his arms around me pulling me in. One of his hands cradled my head into his chest. “Shhh. It’s okay.” His voice was soft. It only made it worse.

I pushed against his chest, trying to move away from him. “No,” I can’t do this. I can’t let him comfort me when he’ll be devastated when he finds out.

“It’s okay. Just relax,” He repeated the soft words in my ear. He started to rub circles on my back- trying to relax me.

I pushed against his chest harder, forcing him to let me go and stepped away from him until I nearly bumped into the dresser. I wiped my eyes dry and tried to force myself together but didn’t really succeed. Tears still poured down my face, but I was at least getting composed enough to talk again.

“Clarke, let Bellamy in. Tell him.” I shot her a look, angry that she would say that to me. “This is killing you.”

I couldn’t tell Bellamy. But I couldn’t not tell him either. He had a right to know. But if I did end it, he might not ever get over that.

I could keep it. Bellamy would be ecstatic to find out he might be a father. We’d stay together.

Bellamy stepped closer to me slowly as if he could sense my hesitation. “Raven’s right. Talk to me. Let me in Princess. We can handle whatever it is.” When I didn’t object, he stepped closer.

For a moment, he looked confused, but then he reached out to my left. At first, I thought he was reaching towards me, but his hand went past me. My heart stopped when I realized what he was grabbing.

His face shifted into pure joy as he looked at the test. “You’re pregnant.” My eyes widened in panic. “This is what you’re upset about?” Bellamy asked, his voice suddenly relieved and light. He moved his now empty hands to me, shifting my gaze back to him. “Were you worried that I’d be upset?”

“Bell, that’s not-” I began but he didn’t seem to hear me.

He stroked his finger against my cheek, a grin on his face. “Because you don’t have to be. I’m here with you. One hundred percent Princess.”

\--

I’d never seen him as happy as he was looking at me in that moment. “Bell, that’s not… It’s more…” I kept trailing off. How could I tell him that I didn’t want this? It would ruin him. It would ruin us.

My face must’ve told him more than I could because his grin started to fade, and he let go of me. “You were worried I’d want this. Not the other way around.”

“Yes,” I owed him that truth. In some way, I’m happy that he figured it out by himself. The words were too hard to get out myself.

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh,” I couldn’t read his voice or his body language. He stood there, one hand in his hair as he just stared. At least he wasn’t yelling at me like my nightmares suggested. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it after a moment instead.

I had no idea what to say either. Different ideas popped into my head but none of them seem right. _I’m sorry; I don’t know what I’m doing; will you hate me?_ I didn’t even know what I was feeling. Relieved that he knew? Or was it worse that he knew? At least before I didn’t have to watch the joy get sucked from him.

Unexpectedly, his hand reached out to hold mine and he traced his fingers on my hand. “Tell me what you’re thinking,” Were his words pleading or just sad? I stared at him as I thought it out, but I couldn’t formulate the words. He waited a little bit for my response, but I stayed quiet with my rushing thoughts. “Look, I know that expressing yourself doesn’t come naturally but you have to talk to me about this.” I could tell how much he was trying to keep himself calm for my sake, but it was still a strain.

“I don’t know,” I tried to come up with something better, but I couldn’t. “I just don’t know.” I repeated stupidly.

He shook his head, and the fake ease of his face began to slip away. “That’s not good enough this time,”

“I know,” He let go of my hand but didn’t step away.

“Then say something more! Tell me what you’re thinking. I’ll take anything at this point.” He pleaded. Was there anything I could say that would hint at my thoughts? Nothing seemed right. “You’ve known, for what? Around two weeks now because that’s how long you’ve been avoiding me.” All I managed to do was the tiniest nod of my head. “All that time and you can’t even formulate one sentence about what you’re feeling?” I wish he was mad at me instead. It would be better than this pleading voice that was trying to be understanding.

I was hoping that Raven would step in, but when I glanced over to her, she was gone. “I’m sorry.” Was what came out of my mouth instead of all the others. _I’m terrified. I love you. I don’t know what to do. I wish I wanted this like you do. I need you. _None of those came out.

“Okay, I’ll start then.” His words were getting a little less understanding as time passed and I stayed quiet. “Even though I think we both know where I stand.” The way he stared at me was beginning to look like a mad man. His eyes were just broken. “I want this. I want this more than I could’ve imagined. The idea of a little Clarke running around or a little me. It’s what I’ve always wanted with you.” For just a moment, he looked happy, but it faded when reality must’ve set in. “But I know that wasn’t your plan right now. And that you probably don’t want this.” There was another pause before he let out a sigh. “Jump in whenever you feel like it.”

“I don’t know what I think.” I forced out but it wasn’t much better than my last explanation.

“Then just think out loud. Say the first thing that pops in your mind about this. We don’t need to make any decisions now.” I cringed at the idea of making a decision. Time would eventually run out with this even if we had a few more weeks. “Is that it?” His eyes flashed with something I couldn’t understand. “You don’t want me to be apart of this decision?” For the first time tonight, his tone was bitter. “I know it’s your body, your choice but I just thought-,”

“I’d never do anything without talking to you about this.” I jumped in- words finally coming out of my mouth. “Do you really think I’d just go up and have an abortion without talking to you?”

“You’re not actually talking to me about this anyways,” He let out something in between a groan and a sigh as he turned around and stepped away. His hands were balled up as he put them behind his head before he turned around again. “I know that I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through right now, Clarke. But I’m also going through it, okay? I’m scared. And I’m upset. And even though I know it’s not fair, I’m mad at you because you’re not talking to me.” I flinched despite his tone wasn’t harsh or frightening. “I want our baby.” He paused again, giving me a chance to speak but I didn’t. So he continued. “My thoughts are jumbled, and I don’t know everything I’m thinking. But I know I need you to talk to me. I need to know where you’re at because even though I think I know what’s going on in your mind, that’s not enough for me.”

I needed to say something. I wracked my thoughts, hoping to get something I could say. “I’m scared,” There was the smallest hint of relief in his face.

“Okay, that’s something.” Bellamy sighed of relief. “Talk to me about that. What are you scared of?” _What happens if I don’t keep it? _I wasn’t sure how to tell him that, so I just stared. I could see his jaw locked at my silence. This time, he didn’t try to fill the silence. He just waited.

“Everything,” My voice broke lightly when I spoke. While Bellamy reached out for me, he didn’t respond. He was making me do the talking now. 

I tried to figure out what he was thinking behind his mask of calm. I came up with nothing other than he was upset but that was hardly surprising or helpful. It took me a while before I could respond to him again. “I’m scared because no matter what we do, I don’t think it can end well anymore.”

“We’ll get through this. Together. I promise,” His tone was so genuine.

“Bellamy, I’m not sure if I can keep talking tonight.” This time, I was the one who pleaded. I felt awful. He was willing to talk to me about this. He wanted to support me. And I couldn’t figure out how to say anything.

He nodded once, clearly frustrated but it seemed like he was trying to keep it at bay. “Okay Princess.” He gave me a quick kiss on top of my head. “Did you want me to stay or do you want to be alone? I can always get Raven back here for you.” His question was unexpected and his tone softer than I deserved. I’d thought he would just leave, angry at me for not talking. Not trying to push it aside for me. My guilt intensified.

Was I allowed to say both to that question? “Let me guess, you’re not sure?” Though his words were harsh, he wasn’t. He looked more resigned than anything else. “Then I’m going home. If you want me to come back, call me. Even if you don’t want to talk.”

Bellamy had just walked to my bedroom door before turning around again, a plea in his eyes. “Just promise me you’ll text me, okay?” I gave him a nod even though I wasn’t sure I could keep that promise.

The second I heard the front door closed, I started to sob again.

_Are we still on for lunch?_ \- Octavia

_Hello? Clarke. Where are you? You’ve been ditching me for days_. - Octavia

_Went home to find you. Found an empty room and your bags gone. What’s going on? - _Octavia.

_If you don’t answer me, I’m calling everyone. _\- Octavia

_Octavia said she thinks you left with your stuff? Call me. -_Raven

_Where are you? - _Raven

_You can’t run away. - _Raven

_Octavia called. Please don’t do this. - _Bellamy

_Bellamy is freaking out._ \- Raven

_Why does nobody know where you are right now? -_Octavia

_Hey, is everything okay? Ravens freaking out. Something about you leaving? _\- Monty

_Dude, whatever you did has everyone freaking out. They even called me. You should call someone. _\- Murphy

_Clarke answer your phone. - _Raven

_You shouldn’t be alone right now. _\- Bellamy

_You don’t have to talk to me. Just come back. -_Bellamy.


	2. A Pattern of Fleeing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up changing things up quite a bit than anticipated this chapter. At first, I was just going to keep it in Clarke’s POV the next few chapters and her time contemplating. But I was a little worried about too much monologuing, so I changed it up a bit. I’d love to hear what you think!

**Bellamy POV**

_Incoming call. Raven Reye_s. I scoffed and flipped over the phone. Whatever she had to say about Clarke, I didn’t want to hear it. Clarke had to talk to me, not go through Raven to send me a message.

I’d been staring at the wall for a majority of the night. Too many questions and concerns circled through my head. Too much anger laid under the surface. We were so careful. This shouldn’t even be a problem until much later in our futures.

Even beyond that, Clarke could form a coherent sentence after two weeks? She had two weeks to process and figure out something along the lines of what she was feeling. I know how hard it is for her coping with this. As hard as it was for me, I’m sure it’s worse for her. But I just needed her to talk to me about anything. Even if she wasn’t sure about what she wanted to do.

I’d been staring at the wall for a majority of the night. Too many questions and concerns circled around my head.

Buzzing interrupted my thoughts again. _Incoming Call- Raven Reyes_

“What do you want Raven?” Raven would no doubt continue to call until she said whatever she wanted to say. Normally I’d just turn off my phone if I didn’t want to talk, but I couldn't risk it being off if Clarke called.

There was a pause. “Bellamy, is Clarke with you?”

I scoffed. “Yeah, that would require her speaking to me.” The question didn’t properly process in my head for a moment. I was too caught up with my thoughts. When it did finally process, my blood ran cold and I shot out of bed. Why was she so hesitant? “Why would she be here?” My voice was sharper than I intended.

I could practically picture Raven pacing like she does every time she’s worried. “Octavia said she bailed on lunch.” Raven wouldn’t be that worried if it was just a missed lunch. “And she thinks Clarke might’ve packed a bag.”

“Packed a bag…” I repeated to her. The phone nearly slipped in my hands. “How long has she been gone?”

“A few hours maybe. We’ve been texting her but she hasn’t replied.”

“She ran,” I let out a bitter scoff. I thought Clarke and I were closer than that. ”After everything, she still ran.” I thought Clarke had started to get past her instinct to run.

We’ve been dating for a year. It took months but she finally started coming to me or Raven when she was upset rather than avoiding the subject or running. After she fought with her mother about her double major in pre-med/biology and art, and her mother threatened to cut off her funding for Clarke, Clarke had run to me.

When she didn’t get the internship at a hospital over summer, she came over and we watched bad medical shows to cheer her up. We joked that maybe it was a good thing she stayed away from all the drama that the shows depicted. By the end of the night, she was happy and calm enough to figure out a plan B. A non-profit clinic that was even a better choice for her in the end.

The anniversary of Lexa’s death was the worst. It was hard for both of us to process. I had no idea how to comfort her after that. The argument we got into afterwards nearly broke our tentative friendship at the time. Then her continual, self- destructive actions were impossible to watch and impossible to stop.

Clarke regretted never making it to Lexa’s funeral, saying she missed her one chance at full closure. She was furious at Lexa’s friend for taking her hunting. Clarke was wracked with guilt that she moved on with me and was starting to forget her. It made it difficult for me to comfort her, how was the source of her guilt supposed to comfort her?

Clarke ended up drinking just a little too much as she rambled off good and bad memories of Lexa. At the end, Raven brought her back to my place saying that Clarke didn’t want to be alone. That she wanted to be with me.

“She’s going to come back,” Raven tried to comfort me but didn’t seemed to be calm herself. “She just needs a few days to process.”

“Yeah, because that worked out so well last time with Lexa,”

\---

Two years ago

_"Fuck," I heard the second I was walking through the doors. "Where the fuck are they?" I heard some more mumbling, but it wasn’t loud enough to hear. _

_There was a door slam, and then a few seconds later Clarke came from the hallway. _

_She was a mess. Her mascara blurred around her eyes and her hair was half hazardly put into a bun. She was dressed in wrinkled clothing. There was a fire in her eyes that I couldn't figure out. It was impossible to tell if she was furious or just about to break into tears or some combination of them both. In her hand was a full duffle bag._

_Her jaw tightened when she saw me before she went into the kitchen. She kept pausing and glancing her head around- looking for something. _

_I heard a deep breath before she talked. "What are you doing here?" Her voice was a façade of steel but the hidden brokenness was still there. The pause before her question made me wonder if that was her attempt at composing herself before talking to me. _

_Something was wrong. Just twenty-four hours ago, she was laughing with the rest of us as Octavia kicked our ass in Uno. Even Lexa was able to come to family game night, a rare occurrence because of her job. "Clarke-," I began. _

_"Octavia's not here if you're looking for her," She interrupted quickly. _

_I tried to judge the situation. Clarke was on the edge about something, but I knew I wasn't the right person to comfort her. "Octavia told me I could wait for her, if that's okay?" I kept my voice even. _

_"Doesn't matter to me. I'm headed out." Though I assumed as much because of her duffle bag, it set off alarms in my head. She was in no condition to drive if she was like this. Hell, I wouldn't even want her to be home alone when she was this close to snapping. _

_I felt a twinge in my heart. I'd never seen her in this much pain. Even the time she found out about Finn cheating on her she practically blew off as nothing._

_I wanted to wrap my arms around her and let her cry or be mad or anything. To try to make something better. The intensity that I felt looking at her like this surprised me. Why couldn’t I figure out what to say to make this better._

_She came out of the kitchen and continued to search for something. _

_"Do you want to tell me what's going on?" We were finally past the enemy faze of our relationship. With all the family dinners and game nights, we started to grow close. But I knew I was still pressing our friendship bounds. She unfortunately was more likely to open up to Octavia or Raven than to me. _

_"Do you see my keys?" She asked instead of answering._

_Her favorite blue jacket that was hanging on a chair was still wet. She probably came home recently so my bet would be that the keys were in there. Not that I was going to tell her that. "Clarke, what's wrong?" I held out an arm when she went past me and gripped her arm to make her pause. What could've made her this upset since yesterday?_

_She ripped her arm from me so quickly that it was like it burned her. "Let go," She commanded, and I quickly let go of her arm. Upsetting her more now didn't seem like the best way to go. _

_"Octavia is going to be home soon. You can talk to her.” I suggested, trying to bring up another option for Clarke than her leaving. “Is it your mom? Did something happen?" The inner part of my head screamed at me for pushing the subject. Clarke clearly didn't want to talk about anything. "Did something happen with school?" The question was entirely idiotic. Clarke would never be this desperate just about school. _

_Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut like I had planned? Octavia would be a much better person to get Clarke to talk than I would. _

_I wanted her to talk to me._

_There was no response as she grabbed her jacket on the chair and shrugged it on. Then, a second later she pulled out the keys. "Finally," She muttered. I was right. They were in the jacket. _

_This time, when she passed, I grabbed her arm and didn't let go when she pulled away. "Clarke, just take a damn second and talk to me." My patience was being overruled by my overwhelming worry with how she was acting._

_There was a frantic, desperate energy behind her eyes. It reminded me of an alcoholic about to drink again after a long sober streak. A willingness to do anything to escape. I had seen that look plenty of times with my own mother._

_Octavia told me about Clarke when they first met freshman year. Why Clarke had the pink hair. Why she never talked to her mom unless she absolutely had to. _

_Months after they became roommates when Clarke had gotten just a bit too drunk, she also told Octavia about Wells- a childhood friend who died. She cut everything out of her life after that._

_Looking into her eyes made me realize what was happening. She was running. Whatever happened was something she didn't want to deal with, so she was going away. _

_"I don't want to talk about it," _

_Don't be an idiot Bellamy and say something that will make her leave quicker. Just keep her there until Octavia comes. She will know what to do._

_She made another attempt at pulling her arm away, but I didn't let her this time. Letting her leave like this, with no idea why she was upset would haunt me. "Did something happen with Lexa?" I asked trying to keep my voice from being too upset._

_It was the wrong thing to say. Out of nowhere, Clarke whipped her gaze to mine. "Don't," Her voice was mangled, desperate. Broken. Lexa was the center of whatever Clarke was feeling. I felt a rush of rage go through me. What the hell did Lexa do to her?_

_I swallowed my anger. It wasn't the time. "What happened?” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew they were wrong. Breaking up didn't warrant this kind of frenzy which meant it was something much worse. “Come on, talk to me Clarke.”_

_"She's dead," Her shoulders moved up a little as her voice cracked. She stared at me like she was completely lost in the world with no idea what to do next as everything crumbled around her. “You want to know what happened?” The mask of anger was back. “Lexa is dead.” _

_My brain couldn’t think of anything to say to her. There’s nothing you can say that could make losing someone any less horrible. “Shit, Clarke, I’m so sorry.” The cliché words passed through my mouth. They wouldn’t do anything to comfort her._

_Clarke let out a scoff. “She went out deer hunting with a friend. And he accidentally shot her. How the hell does that happen?” She let out a twisted humorless laugh. “You’d think that this would eventually get easier, right?” This is the time to interrupt Bellamy. Say something helpful. “Or at least I should learn to expect it, right?” Her words grew darker. “I mean everyone I’ve ever cared about has died tragically and accidentally. I’m a curse.”_

_“You aren’t-,” I tried to interrupt but she wasn’t talking to me anymore. It felt more like a stream of dark consciousness than trying to hold a conversation._

_“People die when I’m with them. I bring death.” She gritted her teeth that merged into a sadistic smile. _

_There were two ways I thought she could crack. A dam of grief or a dam of anger. Anger won and somehow that was more frightening than a dam of grief._

_“You know that isn’t true,” I stared straight at her and tried to convince her. “Accidents happen. They’re tragic and horrible but they aren’t because of you.”_

_“Should we tally the amount of accidents that have happened?” Before I could reply, Octavia walked through the door carrying a coffee and her bag. _

_“Hey, sorry I’m late.” The words became quieter as she noticed our positions. I could see her quickly analyzing the situation. Her eyes glanced over to the bag, then me with an obvious question in her eyes. Then she focused on Clarke and I could see the fear in her eyes. “Is everything okay?”_

_“Peachy,” Clarke said as she grabbed her bags and headed out the door. “I’m heading out though, so I’ll see you later.” She took advantage of the confusion with Octavia to push past us._

_“Clarke, I really don’t think-,” I started but she was already closing the door behind her._

_\---_

_Once I filled Octavia in, she was ready to go after Clarke knowing how this could end with Clarke’s history. _

_It was two days before we heard anything about Clarke. Niylah, someone Clarke had slept with a few times, texted us because Clarke was acting erratic and reckless. Clarke had been staying with one of their mutual friends, Anya, and going out getting black out drunk where Niylah was working. Anya was also extremely close with Lexa so it was like their misery had combined._

_Niylah described it as a self-destructive bottomless pit of grief between the two._

_On day four, Octavia and I showed up to Lexa’s funeral, assuming Clarke would be there, but she never showed. That night, we got a call from Niylah who said Clarke was being taken to the hospital to get her stomach pumped and told us to meet them there._

_When she woke up, she started sobbing. This time, I felt like it was okay to pull her into my arms._

_We brought her home the next day but Clarke didn’t speak about it for weeks. She was a shadow for even longer._

_ \-----_

_Present_

“I’ll call everyone, okay? We know everyone she hangs out with. She has to be staying with one of them.” We wouldn’t. Clarke knows how to disappear when she wants to. Without bothering to say anything else, I hung up on Raven.

_Raven called. Please don’t do this. _I texted her even though I knew she wouldn’t reply. My desperation for her not to leave needed any attempt to keep her here.

**Clarke POV**

What are you doing Clarke? Running away won’t make anything better. It’s not going to solve any problems. You’re going to have to figure out something eventually. As much as you didn’t want this, there’s no way out.

What the hell is Bellamy going to think? All he asked was that you try to communicate with him. And what do you do instead? Run-away- literally the exact opposite. Why is it that anytime that it gets rough, your first instinct is to run?

Running doesn’t solve anything. Logically, I knew that. But in reality, that’s still how I handle problems.

That’s how, after my father passed in high school, I ended up at a college my mother and I never discussed, with short pink hair. Granted, the college thing was slightly because my mother went AWOL my senior year in high school and started only focusing on her career. I became invisible to her. So, I figured why bother to stick around?

Except, I ran away from my friends from high school to go to a whole new place where nobody knew me. I got what I wanted; a completely fresh start but at the cost of my past. Even ran away from Jaha, who was still practically a second father to me even after Wells died.

Oh god, thinking of Wells was the last thing I needed to do now. I was already over-emotional with absolutely no idea where I was going to stay the next few days. But, like always, there he loomed right over me like a ghost. A haunting of regret that I would never be able to fully forgive.

Wells, the best friend. The person who was always there for me. Died before our senior year of high school by a drunk driver. The girl, Charlotte, was too young to be driving, let alone to be drinking. Jaha was worried that sending the girl to juvi would ruin her entire future and wouldn’t give her a chance to make amends and move on with her life. Which, I found ironic considering how he was a DA. But, in the end she was still sentenced to juvi for vehicular manslaughter.

The worst part about Wells death? We had been in a fight at the time. He wanted to tell my father about the affair my mother was having with Kane who was someone she worked with at the hospital. I knew that my father deserved to know because what she was doing was awful and wrong but I was too afraid of what would happen if he knew. I couldn’t stand the idea that he might leave us.

It was selfish to not tell him. But I needed my father. He was the parent who understood me. Who was always there for me even if it put his career on the line. The one I knew I could go to with anything.

I had screamed at Wells two weeks before his death and we had the biggest fight between the two of us. We didn’t talk at all leading to his death, before I called him in tears after a boy at a party tried to push too far and I couldn’t find another way home.

Wells instantly put the fight behind us and said he would be right there to get me. He never made it. A few hours passed, me waiting by the door for Wells with a sinking feeling in my heart before my father called me with a somber voice. There was no discussion on how he had to pick me up at a party, where I was drinking and past curfew. Instead he told me that Jaha called him with bad news. That night was the worst night of my life, until my father’s death.

That summer, I made my parents send me away. I didn’t care where or for how long. I just needed out. Finally, they agreed to send me to an advanced preparatory summer school to focus on the SATs and take a few college courses. My mother’s idea, obviously.

So why Clarke, did I think that running away was going to work this time? Leaving after Wells just made me a social outcast at school from not returning anyone’s messages for months. Leaving at my father died broke whatever small resemblance of a relationship I had with my mother.

I looked over at my bags, trying to convince myself to turn back. Bellamy just wanted to talk about this. Which was more than fair in our healthy, stable relationship. (Well, mainly stable. He’s more stable than I am). He wasn’t going to try to force me to do anything.

I just needed a few days, right? Just to clear my thoughts. Figure out what I wanted.

The lie didn’t even hold up in my own head. I knew what this really was. I couldn’t deal so I was going to run away from the problem like I normally did.

Coward.

My phone buzzed again. Most likely Octavia. I was supposed to meet her at lunch an hours ago. Instead, I was already on the road.

Shit. I had no idea where I was going. I couldn’t afford to stay at a hotel even if it was a crappy one.

With a groan, I realized the route I was on and pulled over at the nearest parking lot. My mother owned a property a few hours north from here in Mount Weather. The houses were big and quiet. Acres of forest laid between most houses leaving it one of the most secluded areas that I could find. The only times people went there was in summer for the relaxing days by the lake, or in winter where the hills made a great place for snowboarding and skiing.

Seeing no other option, I called my mother and asked if I could use the place. I made up an excuse about having to study for midterms, so she was quick to agree. Our relationship might suck, but if I bring up school, she’ll still do anything.

My mother’s place was beautiful and perfect just like the rest of her things. It was clear that she hired cleaners even though she hadn’t been there for a while. There was no dust or cobwebs and the little garden out front remained perfectly trimmed.

It was a beautiful grey, two story modern house on top of a small hill with a clear view of the forest. The sight was so beautiful it stole my attention away for just a moment. Pure, untouched nature with no signs of human existence. There was an absolute silence that I wasn’t used to because of the city.

There was finally peace to think, but I was also completely isolated with my thoughts.

I thought once I got to the house, I’d be able to relax enough to at least send a text message letting everyone know where I was. Raven would be inclined to send out a search party if I was gone for too long.

So, I forced myself to get out my phone. Shit. There were already fifteen missed messages from practically everyone. Octavia, Murphy and Monty just seemed confused. Raven was freaking.

I didn’t even have words to describe what Bellamy’s texts did to me.

_Please don’t do this. You don’t have to talk to me. Just come back._

God, I knew it was wrong to be angry with him, but I was furious. He was being calm and reasonable about this. Wanted to talk it out, think it through. Despite how much he wanted to be a father, he still didn’t try to push it. It was annoyingly mature and also incredibly sweet.

I on the other hand, freaked out and ran.

Bellamy deserved to hear from me and know where I was, but Raven seemed the easier choice to first contact. But what was I going to say to her? _Hey, sorry I ran away, again. Headed to my mom’s place to contemplate my entire future and my future with Bellamy?_

Instead, I put my phone down and practically had a panic attack. I didn’t even put my stuff away into the guest bedroom before I started having difficulty breathing and my thoughts began to race. No matter what I choose, I didn’t think I could win. Loving him wasn’t enough to be willing to raise a child. But losing him or hurting him over this wasn’t something I could accept either.

My phone buzzed again and like an idiot, I checked it.

_I can understand if you need time, but you can’t just disappear like this. It’s getting dark. Come home. -Raven_

Okay, just send one text. They’ll freak out if I don’t. One text should be easy.

_I’m okay. Just went to my mother’s place for a few days. I just need some time. I promise I’ll call soon. _My finger hovered over send for a moment before I deleted it all. I had no idea when I would call them so if I promised I would and didn’t contact them, they would just worry more. And if I mentioned I was at my mother’s place, what if someone tried to come here?

_Raven, I’m okay. I promise I just need some time. _Before I changed my mind, I hit send and turned off my phone. It wasn’t enough information for Raven but at least it was something.

Just a few days. I’ll calm down enough and be able to talk it out.

***


End file.
